Balancing motherhood and a career – you can (probably) have it all, just not at once
I originally planned five months’ maternity leave and a swift return to full-time work with my firstborn. Convinced stay at home parenting was not for me and keen to progress up the career ladder, day-care was booked when I was 12 weeks pregnant (and by the way, you NEED to get on the waitlists that early!). As a result of my intention to take a relatively short period of absence my role wasn’t even backfilled, instead responsibilities were divvied up and more junior colleagues offered the opportunity to expand their horizons.
Five months approached. But she was still so tiny, and I felt like I’d only just started to find my groove as a new mum. Six weeks accrued annual leave taken at half pay bought me more time and I extended my maternity leave to eight months, with my husband set to pick up the stay at home parent duties for another six months, until a place became available at our preferred day-care centre (I rapidly had doubts about the original offer we had accepted so we decided to wait it out for another centre).
Four weeks before I was set to return to work and I still wasn’t ready. As the higher earner in the house and with my husband having had a battle to secure the parental leave he was legally entitled to, sticking to the plan seemed like the ‘right thing to do’. However, additional curveballs were thrown into the mix and I didn’t end up returning to the same workplace, despite (and possibly because) my boss’s decision to leave just as I was due to return would likely have meant the big promotion I’d narrowly missed out on (and was desperate for) prior to falling pregnant. Ironic.
Instead I applied for a new role elsewhere, on a whim, which would grace me with the family-friendly work practices I felt might make the transition back to work less painful and enable me to spend as much time with my little one as possible, and knowing I wanted another child in the not-too-distant future.
Things didn’t pan out as I had expected (but really, when do they ever?)
I felt trapped between two worlds, neither of which I could fully show up to. When I was at work my mind was very much on my little one, wondering how she was, what she was doing and counting down the minutes until I could get home to her. And on ‘non-working’ days I found myself checking work emails, receiving work calls and generally being ‘that mum’, the one glued to her phone at mothers’ group catch-ups and planned activities.
Expressing milk at work was a nightmare due to a lack of facilities (one meeting room in high demand to service the entire building) and I quickly grew resentful of my husband, feeling he got to enjoy the fruits of my hard work with sleep training, solids and routines well-established, leaving only fun times to be had.
While I am forever grateful for the genuinely family-friendly and flexible work practices available, particularly with the onslaught of sickness that comes with the first winter in day-care, the work itself and the environment was not necessarily what I craved or needed, mentally or emotionally. I missed the days of lunches and after-work drinks with colleagues, the forging of lasting and meaningful friendships, the thrill of the last-minute crises that challenged my mind.
As I near the end of my second pregnancy and prepare to welcome a new little human into my life, and despite the lessons learned from round one (i.e. things won’t pan out as you expect), I find myself already thinking ahead and wondering what lies in store for my future career.
Top tips for easing back into the workplace after having a baby:
Accept that while you can (probably) have it all, you (probably) can’t have it all at once. Identify the single highest priority for your personal circumstances – for me it was all the extra time I could get with my little one. For you it might be finances, expediting career progression before having another child, transitioning to a completely new career, and so on. Make your peace with what that means you can’t have (for the meantime).
Be sure to factor in some ‘you time’ to balance work and home lives. The guilt factor at having returned to work can make us feel like we don’t deserve any leisure time, because every spare waking moment should be spent with our little ones. I know I am a much better person (and mother) having taken an hour or two for yoga, training, or kid-free catch ups with friends.
If your partner is taking over the stay at home parenting reins, prepare for some resentment and power struggles. They will have their own way of doing things and you need to let them find their feet. If your child is fed, rested, clean and alive, try not to sweat the small stuff.
Know that each new phase of parenthood can feel like a finding or re-establishing of oneself (over and over) again, on every level. As you return to work you may find your sense of style doesn’t even slightly resemble what it used to. I haven’t worn heels since I was in the first trimester of my first pregnancy! It’s worth spending time and money creating a wardrobe that will make you feel good about yourself.
Don’t be afraid to ask for family-friendly work practices. A good workplace will make these known to you from the outset, but even if there is no mention of flexible hours or remote working, don’t assume this necessarily means it’s not an option.